A sermon delivered to All Saints Anglican Church on August 9, 2009 at the Convent Chapel of St. Mary's Medical Center, Huntington, WV, and based on Ephesians 4:25-5:2.
Complete the following sentence: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but ….(words will never hurt me.)
True? … Not so much.
I think all of us can remember experiences like this one. You’re playing on the school playground and the smartest and most athletic kid in the class repeatedly upbraids you for mistakes you make, calling you stupid. You put up a brave front at the time, but afterward you run home and pour out your heart to your mom, cut to the quick, almost inconsolable. You then remember this incident for the next 43 years!
Words have amazing power to hurt us – which is why the Apostle Paul tells us emphatically: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Eph. 4:29). Let’s hear this same verse in several different versions.
Here’s the New American Standard:
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
The New International Version: 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
The Message: 29Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
The Amplified Version: 29Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it.
(Note: Many different versions of the Bible can be viewed easily at biblegateway.com; or crosswalk.com)
The Greek word sapros, translated in the ESV as “Corrupting” also applies to“bad” (putrid) fish (Matt. 13:48) or “bad” (rotten) fruit (Luke 6:43), hence the title for today’s sermon: “No Rotten Words”. I was also thinking about “Yucky Ucky Words… but you get the drift.
As a professional counselor, I think I could build an entire practice on this one verse. All of us get in trouble because of the words we use. The Apostle James warns us:
5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. (James 3:5-10).
YOW! This is an example of having a problem with the parts of the Bible you do understand! The Tongue is set on fire by Hell, full of deadly poison, rotten to the core, a restless evil! Whoever can tame it is a perfect, or whole, complete person. The rest of us suffer because of the things we say to one another.
God’s Purpose for our Communication:
In today’s reading from Ephesians we not only see a description of unwholesome communication, but several key purposes that God desires for our conversation:
V. 25: Be Truthful: Speak the truth to one another
V. 26: Be Angry: But use your anger for righteous purposes.
V. 29: Build up Others: (Edification)
V. 29: Give Grace to Others
V. 32: Express Kindness
V. 32: Extend Forgiveness
This type of communication has an overall goal: To walk in love, imitating our Savior, and to be unified with others. The practice of these virtues will lead to a wholesome church and family life, confounding the Devil, who always seeks an opportunity.
So, our challenge is before us. What I’d like to do for the rest of our time together today is outline some observations about why we so easily get off the track and use rotten language, and then offer some suggestions about how to get back on track when we get derailed.
Relapse Triggers
In the world of Drug and Alcohol recovery, the concept of Relapse Triggers is central. These are the things that predispose us to failure. They’re very mundane and are often summarized with the acronym HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
In our family, we used to see these things very acutely when our children were small. We’d have them out in public and they would get tired and hungry and then just suddenly have a meltdown – usually in the most embarrassing situations.
When my daughter Lindsey would get angry with her sister Leah, she would lash out at her verbally with an intense hiss that sounded like a wildcat. I used to call her Little Miss Oral Aggression – a title which would hardly fit her today, by the way.
I think you can supply plenty of your own examples to illustrate the point that we are frail physical creatures and our bodily needs can easily lead us to ‘tongue failure”.
Failure to Communicate
Clint Eastwood had a famous line in one of his movies. Fill in the blank again: “What we have here is a: (failure to communicate).
The most common thing I observe in my counseling work is that we fail to communicate because we so easily get off the subject.
We do this because we tend to ramble in our statements, to verbally attack each other and to become defensive when attacked.
Let’s just take a common scenario. Both parties start off with good intentions as they talk about something potentially problematic, such as how to use money. Almost immediately conflict arises in the mere statement of “The Problem”. Someone uses the word “You” and follows it with a criticism couched in a generalization: “You never spend money the right way”. You always spend money the wrong way”. You never save enough. You always save too much…etc., etc.
There are at least four things wrong with these types of statements.
1) They start with the word “You”, making whatever follows PERSONAL.
2) They use generalizations which cannot possibly be universally true. Too much for what? What is the right way ? The Wrong way?
3) They fail to specify the actual problem. What specifically are you complaining about?
4) They contain no suggestions about how to solve the problem.
We could say that these statements are “semantically ill-formed”. They don’t really convey meaning accurately. They are faulty or Rotten.
Because our statements are faulty, they lead others to misunderstand us and to become defensive. When we hear sentences that start with the word “You”, we immediately brace ourselves for a possible attack - even when what follows is positive.
If a personal attack does come, we then immediately put up our defensive shields and mount a counter attack: “Oh, yeah! So’s your Old Lady…” It’s a “1,2” action: 1) Defend, 2) Counterattack.
This quickly degenerates into name-calling and raised voices.
Now if we had any sense, we’d stop at this point. Someone would say, “You know what, I think this is getting out of hand. We need to stop and regroup.”
But, no. In our desire to be right and to WIN, we keep on going, usually making things worse by the minute. We defend and counterattack back and forth, and before long we have completely forgotten what it was we were talking about. Instead of trying to solve a problem, we are now “fighting about fighting” – and no one wins. And by the way, the unwritten rule about arguing is “The first person to raise his or her voice loses.”
In other words, you lose your credibility when you yell. The other person quickly observes that you’re out of control and they conclude that they don’t have to listen to anything else you say. You lose – even if you’re right!
So that’s a pretty good description of some things we do wrongly as we try to communicate. What should we do instead?
Here are four suggestions to address the four errors we mentioned before.
1) Use the passive voice. The active voice is very clear and direct: “I deposited money in the bank.” The subject acts directly on the object. Easily understandable.
But the active voice can also take the form of a direct attack: “You spent all my money!”
It’s often better to state a problem in the passive voice.
Instead of saying “You spent all my money!”, use the passive form to avoid the personal attack: “There’s a problem with our finances.” Or, if you want to really take a ‘one-down’ position:
“I have a problem with my checkbook.”
If this seems a bit contrived to you, just ask yourself whether the goal is to express your anger at the other person, or whether you want to solve the problem. The answer to this question may help with the motivation to ‘think first, talk later”.
2) Be specific. The old saying is: “All Generalizations are false, including this one.” Avoid using the big ‘universal qualifiers” such as ‘always’ and ‘never’. Instead of “all my money”, specify 20 dollars, 200 dollars or 2000 dollars, etc.
3) State the problem in concrete, specific terms (again using the passive voice to avoid personalizing the accusation) “On Tuesday at 4:00 pm I got a call from the bank saying that they are going to freeze all our accounts”…
4) Be specific with your request to solve the problem. Now I say ‘request’ because every time you communicate with someone, there is an underlying, embedded request: “Will you please listen to me?” is perhaps the most basic request we make of casual acquaintances and friends. With family, the request is: “Will you please love me?” These are broad, assumed requests. The specific form of the request might be “Will you please love me by helping me solve this bank problem?” We don’t normally state this underlying request, but it’s important to know it’s there because even when you are addressing a problem, you are actually asking for something good from the other person – their time and attention, their cooperation in solving a problem.
Then when we do make the actual proposal to solve the problem, it must be stated specifically: “Will you please sit down with me tonight after supper and look at the bank statement?” Will you please help me set up a budget?”
If you are asking for something more personal, use the same technique. Don’t say, “Will you please love me more?” Instead ask:” Will you please talk to me, or hug me, or go for a walk with me?” The cardinal rule is: “If you want it, you have to ask for it.’ Don’t assume the other person knows what you need and will simply supply your need when you want it, without you having to ask for it. That’s called ‘mind-reading’ and it just doesn’t work.
Remember, you are asking for something good, so ask for it in a good way. Instead of using the rotten form: “Why don’t you ever…” use: “Will you please…” You are much more likely to get what you want if you ask for it positively and specifically.
The corollary to this is that if someone else is asking you something in a general way, ask: “What specifically can I do to make it better for you?” The goal is to get the request stated in concrete, behavioral terms such as: “I would like you to pray with me right now about our finances.” This is a ‘doable’ request.
You can even ‘check it out’ to make sure you understand the request: “So… you want me to pray with you right now about this?” If the other person nods their head up and down and says, “Yes.” you’ve hit pay dirt and you’re well on your way to solving the problem.
This is especially true if you are being personally attacked. If they say, “You’re bad or wicked!” You respond (not sarcastically) “In what way do you think I am bad or wicked?” This, I believe is a concrete way we can “turn the other cheek” as Jesus said. The goal is to get the complaint stated as clearly and specifically as possible and then to actually solve the problem with a specific solution.
The very most important things to communicate are Apology and Forgiveness. If you tell me I have sinned against you, I MUST, as a Christian, seek your forgiveness and make specific restitution if possible. If I ask you to forgive me, you as a Christian, MUST forgive me and reckon the offense “Paid in Full” by the blood of Christ. The request for, and extension of Forgiveness is Christian Communication par excellence and it’s what keeps us unified as family, friends and church members.
In almost every case, the use of these communication techniques will help you fulfill the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ and help you actually get what you want more often than not.
Summary
These are just a few pointers that relate to the most egregious ways that we let Rotten words come out of our mouths. Remember again that the goals of our communication with others are to:
Speak the truth to one another
To use our anger for righteous purposes
To Build up Others
To Give Grace to Others
To Express Kindness
To Extend Forgiveness
If you do these things, you will show yourself to be a mature, Christ-like person, one who not only says they love God, but actually demonstrates it in conversations with others.
May God give us Grace to practice this discipline – and Grace to extend to each other as we do so. AMEN.
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