Marriage & Transference

When we marry, we promise "to have and to hold, for better or for worse, till death do us part." But unlike Benedict's monks, most of whom left the monastery horizontally; about half of us who marry forsake our vows and walk away, sometimes for better, but mostly for worse. Since the majority of those who marry do not cross their fingers behind their backs when they take their vows, why is it that so many folks are unable to keep these vows of lifelong fidelity? I suggest the answer lies in part in understanding what Freud called "Transference": the attempt to bring the dynamics of a past relationship with an authority figure such as a parent, into a current relationship, such as a marriage. Whom will I marry? After the choice to serve the Lord, this is the single most important decision a person can make, for its consequences will play themselves out for generations.