The impulse for Blessing is strong and persistent. It must be fulfilled -- if not with the dangerous parent(s), then with someone else. Typically, most people will then "recycle" this need for blessing over into another relationship, usually with a lover or spouse, but frequently also with an authority figure such as a boss or a pastor.
Recycling:
ATTACH →→→ SEPARATE →→→ INDIVIDUATE
↑
↑ ---------------------------------------------------------
↑ DETACH →→ ║DEFENSIVE BARRIERS ║ →→ STUCK ↓
↑
↑ ←←←←←←←←← Recycle ←←←←←←←←←←
Unwittingly, the stuck person searches out someone who will be ideally suited to picking up where she left off in the previous dangerous relationship. It's as if we possess a kind of infinitely accurate radar set on "Seek out and Attract", which leads us to the perfect one with whom to work out the past “stuck-ness” The chosen one may seem diametrically different from the one we had trouble with, but upon closer inspection, the person we choose is one with whom we can recreate the past struggle. Our intent is to "get it right" this time; to win over the one who failed us and to finally receive the Blessing. In effect, we ask the question: "Are you my Mommy?" or: "Are you my Daddy?" This is Transference, the tendency to recycle the dynamics of a past relationship into a present relationship. It often results in what one of my clients calls "a marriage made in neurotic heaven".
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